So for those of you who have always been wondering “Man I never get a straight answer on that computer stuff” i’ve decided to take time out of my busy schedule to answer the most common computer questions. So if you aren’t computer savvy then this is the place for you!
Question #1: What is this “router” business with connecting to my computer? I heard it has a firewall that protects my computer? How does that work?
Answer: A router lets more than one computer connect to the internet, or illegally share music over the internet such as your teenage son or daughter, thus causing you multiple lawsuits over the course of time. The firewalls that are built into them protect your computer from fire! Thats right FIRE!
Question #2: What is this “RAM” stuff I keep hearing about, i heard it lets me do more?
Answer: More RAM is great, the more ram you have the faster your computer will be! Its as simple as that. Therefore the more RAM you have, the less you will be RAMming your computer into a wall. Its a very simple concept. In early days computer had little ram, thus causing users to have very little patience with their home PC.
Question #3: I heard that macintosh is VIRUS proof! Is this true?
Answer: This depends on how often you get sick. No computer is virus proof.
Question #4: What does this POP and SMTP jargon stand for?
Answer: POP stands for “Please, Only Pros!” in other words meaning you should not attempt to set this up yourself. SMTP stands for “Send Mail To People”, simple to remember, but leave that to “Please, Only Pros!” thats all you need to know.
Question #5: The internet runs really quick during the day at my house, and for some reason very slow at night. Can you tell me WHY this is? No one seems to know.
Answer: Bandwidth! Think of it like a pipe, only so much water can go through pipes. Well, people work through most the day right? So how many people are in the bathroom using the pipes. Not many. At night people relieve themselves right? Exactly. We call those “Discrete poopers”, or “PWDPAW”(people who don’t poop at work). So the internet can be thought of like this. Most people are at work during the way, so its quick right! At least in YOUR neighborhood. At night all the kids get off of school and have joined a cult on the internet, this cult is known as “Counter-Strike”, or as some parents know it as “You never do your homework, get off that god damn game!”, because millions of slackers play this game when they get off of school (or off work) the internet is flooded in the bandwidth! At least until 11:00 pm, which is usually when they go to bed, then it’s fast again.
Question #6: I heard if someone gets your IP address they can “hack you” is that true?
Answer: That all depends. Did you give it out? If not, you just need to ask the hackers to put you on their “DNH” list or “Do not hack” list, like the national do not call registry. You probably gave it to a telemarketer and didn’t know it.
Question #7: I had a co-worker tell me if i didn’t lock my computer they would give me a “hello kitty” virus? What is that?
Answer: This is very dangerous, they call it hello kitty because your computer will suddenly have icons, backgrounds and other things turn into bright pink HELLO kitty logos. Things will turn pink and your computer will be hard to navigate as everything will look like kitties. This is most common among coworkers who lack even knowing HOW to lock their computer. It is contracted by leaving the computer “unlocked” or in “open” status as you get coffee, somehow, as a co-worker passes by your computer it somehow magnetically transfers itself. To this day, no person infected with this virus has learned how to prevent it, other than locking your workstaton when AFK (away from keyboard).
Question #8: I never can seem to find my desktop, my computer guy said to click on my desktop and i never can figure out where that is. Could you explain?
Answer: This is very simple. Take your mouse physically from where it is, place it on the top of your desk, and click. You have now clicked on your desktop. See! Easy.
(this is all fake, made up, and i was bored)