For those of you who are mechanics, I figured I’d post this and make your day a bit better and provide some humor. So here’s a few “DUH” experiences I have experienced from customers when I worked at dealerships and also bought my cars and bikes. For those of you that are true gearheads you’ll get this stuff, if you don’t, don’t worry, it’s all in good humor!
Bike - kid selling it - “Yeah so only $500 for the enduro.”
me - “Whats wrong with it?”
kid - “It won’t start. I don’t know why, sometimes when I change the spark plug over to the secondary it fires, I just can’t figure it out”
me buys bike, takes out spark plugs, spark plug 1 is a long reach gap, the piston slapped the gap CLOSED, it was SO LONG it literally was being hit BY the piston. flashback to kid “Duhhhh can’t figure out why it won’t fire!”
Car - customer - “My car keeps overheating, pinging, making funny noises and is smoking. I have no idea why.”
me - “How long since you changed the oil.”
customer - “Well I don’t know, the last guy who owned the car did that, i figured if he did it then it must have been good stuff!”
me - “How long have you had it?”
customer - “Bout half a year.”
slapped my forehead.
me - “you definitely need to have it looked at.”
bike - friend - “so i just got this bike used, and i have NO idea what to do. how often do i do maintenance?”
me - “Depends, when was the last maintenance, do you mean the chain, the oil, the engine, the valves? what part? there is so much. There’s also tire pressure, tire wear, which PART of the tire is wearing, balancing, making sure the forks are lubed and/or oiled, make sure the gas isn’t old and add stabilizer if it’s cold…”
friend - “You mean you have to check the engine and valves and the chain too? That’s a lot!”
me - “Nope, you just let it run till it breaks. then buy a new one, if you’re rich.”
friend - “Damn, i don’t have that much money.”
rolled my eyes
bike - dealer - “Yeah so this is it, the ninja 250r, she’s right around your size and it seems like a good bike!”
me - “So what’s the weight like, horsepower vs torque, what kind of sprocket size will fit and what’s the max speed and such? Do you have specifications?”
Dealer - “Hmmmm you know, i usually go by the speedometer and it reads 130mph, that seems about right. I don’t know, the bike might weight 500lbs.”
Came to find out max speed if you’re light is 105mph, weighs around 300lbs… he had no idea on the rest.
bike - friend - “So do i really NEED to buy leathers when i get my bike? cause those are expensive.”
me - “Hmmm well that depends, do you plan on blacktop surfing or just bouncing and tumbling at low speeds?”
friend - “Whats what? Is that like a trick, the whole surfing thing, because i’ve seen those guys do wheelies is that what you call wheelies, blacktop surfing?”
me - “No, blacktop surfing is the result you get when you do a wheelie and fall off the bike, usually resulting in you skidding 50 feet or so on the blacktop skinning yourself alive if you don’t wear leathers. Bouncing is the result of you falling off your bike at low speed tumbling like an idiot into the sidewalk. So by all means, if you’re thick skinned or thick headed you can try… but I recommend the money in leathers.”
friend - “Oh… so you think i should get some now or later?”
me - “Ok dude, seriously…”
Car - friend - “Hey so what do i do to swap an engine into my honda?”
me - “Well you’ll need the engine mounts, make sure it’ll fit your tranny or a tranny that will fit that and it has to be capable of bolting and fitting into the axles, etc, otherwise you’re spending a crapload of money swapping it into the car and it won’t fit. Probably want to make sure it’s a good engine, not driven hard, rebuild it, etc.”
friend - “So you mean i can’t just take it out of a normal car and put it in my honda?”
me - “Hmmmmmm, well no you could probably fit it in there and it would look pretty but I doubt it would fit right, you gotta make it fit. Your car is like… a midget. You’re trying to feed the midget a bigger donut that normally won’t fit in it’s mouth, you gotta cram it in there, if necessary even cut up the midget’s mouth even though that sounds gross. Now compare that to a larger car, like a big mustang or a huge car kind of like a midget compared to rosie odonnel. That same donut fits great in the odonnel mouth but your midget just can’t swallow it, so you gotta make it fit. And if you can make it fit in the long run it’ll taste better… sorta…”
Friend - “Well I guess that makes sense, you have weird analogies. but i think i understand. so what are engine mounts?”
me - “Are you SURE you should be doing this?”
friend - “Dude, hello! I know what I’m doing…”
bike - friend- “Ok so let me see if i understand you… a car used a regular clutch and a bike’s clutch doesn’t burn up easily because it’s WET? how does that work, wouldn’t it rust if it had water on a clutch?”
me - “No, it’s oil, not water.”
friend - “Wouldn’t that make it slick?”
me - “No. It’s a clutch, it uses friction and pressure with multiple plates to clasp it in together.”
friend - “What kind of plates? so they push onto the oil and it makes it stay?”
me - frustrated “No, they originally used sweet and sour sauce with some wasabi on the plates but it got too hot so now they use oil, make sense?”
friend - “Tsh, geez man.”
me - “Sorry man, but first you didn’t want to do maintenance and then when i explain it you kept going off subject.”
friend - “Well these things sound hard!”
me - “They are.”
friend - “Can i make them easy?”
me - “You can spend the money to have it all done at a shop, but it’s hundreds of dollars per checkup.”
friend - “Well crap. Where can i get a honda ninja manual? I want to learn.”
me - “Kawasaki Ninja.”
friend - “Right, well, you know what I meant.”
car - Customer - “I just got this truck and it’s making odd noises.”
me - “Ok what exactly is it doing?”
customer - “Well, see it’s a new turbo diesel and it just acts like it’s got bad gas.”
me - “Ok where’s the truck”
customer points
me - “Ok lets go take a look.”
customer starts up truck - “Hmm yeah that sounds strange, let me go get our diesel guy for ya.”
customer - “Ok.”
diesel mechanic - “Making odd noises?”
cusotmer - “Yeah how’d you know!”
diesel mechanic - “Well sir, this isn’t a turbo diesel. This is a regular v8.”
customer - “WHAT”
turns out the paperwork was wrong, drove off in the wrong truck, damn salesman, but they corrected it before there was a huge lawsuit.
Car - customer - “I’m interested in an RX8, do you think you could point me in the direction of a salesman and tell me a few things about it first?”
me - “Yeah sure that’s name he’s our car guy, what can i help you with first?”
customer - “Well i heard these are some sort of race engine. and big ones because they hit really high gears.”
me - “You mean the RPMS on the engine? Well they’re actually really small which is the reason they redline high, not to mention the engineering on the engine.”
customer - “Oh i see, what’s so different about it from a normal engine?”
me - “Well it’s a rotary, it has very few moving parts, so it’s able to rev very high, they make less torque than horsepower so they have to stay in high rpms but they are rearwheel drive and a lot of fun.”
customer - “How can it have less moving parts, how many pistons does it have?”
me - “It doesn’t have any pistons.”
customer - “That’s impossible, do you know what you’re talking about?”
me - “Yes sir I do. It’s a wankel engine, they use a sort of, well, it’s kind of a rotor that spins inside and is at all times doing intake, fire and exhaust, one on each side of the engine. You’d have to see a diagram.”
customer - “How is that possible? Let me talk to the salesman…”
me - “Haha, that’s ok sir, it is a little complicated but trust me, it’s very interesting, he’s over there, maybe he can give you a better description.”
customer - “Sure thanks anyway.”
Salesman - “WELL HEY! how are ya, what can I help you with?”
customer - “Yes he was telling me about the winkley engine in these things?”
Salesman - “Hmmmmm”
customer - “how many pistons does it have?”
Salesman - “OH that’s easy, it revs high, it has two.”
customer - “I knew he had to be full of it, all engines have pistons!”
I shook my head and headed back to the garage.